Jokes, Fun stories, and more ! Vitser, morsomme historier og mere til !

Disse historiene er samlet fra epost og news-post's fra hele verden
These jokes and fun-stories are assembled from emails and newsgroups from around the world

Historiene er gjengitt på sitt orginale språk og er derfor lesbare for folk flest.
The contents is in it's original language, to be available worldwide.

ADVARSEL : Noe av innholdet kan virke støtende på enkelte. LES PÅ EGET ANSVAR!
WARNING : Some of the contents might be offensive to some people. READ AT OWN RISK!

Signaturer og opphav er fjernet fra denne siden, for å unngå spam etc .
Signatures and origin of stories are removed to avoid SPAM and unwanted
emails etc.
Ingen nevnt, ingen glemt - No-one mentioned, no-one forgotten.


Complaints / comments / other stories : send an email to

.

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a
blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of
the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the
side of the road to watch for a while "Why are you rowing a boat in
the middle of the field?" she asks.

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it's an
ocean of wheat!" The blonde standing at the side of the road is
furious. She yells to the blonde in the field, "It's blondes like you
that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing
again. The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook
her fist at the blonde in the field, yelling, "If I could swim, I'd
come out there and kick your ass!"

#

A striking blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a
shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?"

The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it's a thermos." Still
curious, the blond asks, "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold," replies the clerk.

So she buys one....
The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny thing?"
She replies with authority, "It's a thermos." "Oh," says he, "and
what's it do?" "Well," says she, "it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold."

Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

#

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from
LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00,
and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. "This catches
the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says
the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem
and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches
into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

The 12 "Bugs" of Christmas
==========================

At the first bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
See if they can do it again.

At the second bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the third bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the fourth bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the fifth bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the sixth bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the seventh bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the eighth bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the ninth bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the tenth bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the eleventh bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

At the twelfth bug of Christmas, my tech lead said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.

THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN
(Sung to "My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean")

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped!

FROM THE TURKEY'S MOUTH

When I was a young turkey,
new to the coop,
My big brother Mike
took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down,
and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something
that I had to know;

His look and his tone
I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors
of..... Black November;

"Come about August,
now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals
instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick,
where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing
under your chin;

"And then one morning,
when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife,
and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers
so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides
and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part"
he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks
and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words
were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop
like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot
that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low
and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet
of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads,
juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries,
chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room
doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight
of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice
when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing,
under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed,
ever closer to death;

And sure enough
when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey
left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet
in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry,
so I eat and I nap;

She held me today,
while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said:
"Christmas is coming..."

"In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.

"And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing
else existed. And God separated the One from the
Zero; and he saw it was good.

"And God said, 'Let the Data be.' And so it happened.
And God said, 'Let the Data go to their proper places.'
And he created floppy disks and hard disks and
compact disks.

"And God said, 'Let the computers be,' so there would
be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and
compact disks. Thus God created computers and
called them hardware.

"And there was no Software yet. But God created
programs, small and big, and told them, 'Go and
multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.'

"And God said, 'I will create the Programmer; And the
Programmer will make new programs and govern over
the computers and programs and Data.'

"And God created the Programmer; and put him at
Data Center; and God showed the Programmer the
Catalog Tree and said, 'You can use all the volumes
and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.'

"And God said, 'It is not good for the programmer to be
alone.' He took a bone from the Programmer's body
and created a creature that would look up at the
Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the
things the Programmer does; and God called the creature: the User.

"And the Programmer and the User were left under the
naked DOS and it was good.

"But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of
God. And Bill said to the User, 'Did God really tell you
not to run any programs?'

"And the User answered, 'God told us that we can use
every program and every piece of Data but told us not
to run Windows or we will die.'

"And Bill said to the User, 'How can you talk about
something you did not even try. The moment you run
Windows you will become equal to God. You will be
able to create anything you like by a simple click of
your mouse.'

"And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were
nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any
knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.

"So the User installed the Windows on his computer;
and said to the Programmers that it was good.

"And the Programmer immediately started to look for
new drivers. And God asked him, 'What are you looking
for?' And the Programmer answered, 'I am looking for
new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS.'

"And God said, 'Who told you need drivers? Did you
run Windows?' And the Programmer said, 'It was Bill who told us to!'

"And God said to Bill, 'Because of what you did you will
be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always
hate you. And you will always sell Windows.'

"And God said to the User, 'Because of what you did,
the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your
Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs;
and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.'

"And God said to the Programmer, 'Because you
listened to the User you will never be happy. All your
programs will have errors and you will have to fix them
and fix them to the end of time.'

"And God threw them out of the Data Center and
locked the door and secured it with a password."

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

Copyright explained:

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write,
if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right
your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the
right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to
copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write
right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the
right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy
right before the copyright can be right.

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write
right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright.
Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate
copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an
undertaker.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a
road map the wrong way.

You might be an engineer if ...

... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading
your RAM is a moral dilemma.

... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the
engine room.

... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer
any of your questions

... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

... you bought your wife/girlfriend (husband/boyfriend)a new
CD-ROM drive (or a Palm Pilot) for her birthday.

... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they
do the special effects.

... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

... you know what http:// stands for.

... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toy together.

... you see a good design and still have to change it.

... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

... you window shop at Radio Shack

....your laptop computer costs more than your car.

... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

... You've already calculated how much you make per second.

... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

I've seen some of these before, others are new to me.

These jokes an EE might find funny were sent to me by one of my ChemEng
friends.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice.. the clothes
probably
wouldn't have fit."

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
**********************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
**********************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I
don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Here

comes the greenskeeper, lets have a word with him." (dramatic pause)
"Hi
George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't
they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*********************************
Comprehending Engineers ......Take 4*
*********************************

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things

mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a
seemingly
impossible problem they
were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work
but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had

solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly
took
the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of
the
day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the
machine
and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

*********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
*********************************

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
********************************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
**********************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just
look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many
thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
**********************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features."
*********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine
*********************************
An artist, an architect and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab
and get
some work done!"

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
**********************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

The Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is a Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."

http://www.mallandmore.com/whyworry

I'm sure there's a few of you who will enjoy this one.

http://www.geekculture.com

IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on
the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically
to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer
were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to
cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded
knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker
of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people
doing driving?"

Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving
the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said,
"this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not
another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer
staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system
would not turn on.

Sighting #5:
When my spouse and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked
in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it
was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

In case you didn't catch Computer Week, I thought this was nice to see -

11 January 2000 COMPUTERWEEK

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the
radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

Men are like....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and
can keep you up all night long!!
Men are like....Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get
hard.
Men are like....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head
straight for your hips!!
Men are like....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere!
Men are like....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's
about it!
Men are like....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the
hang of it.
Men are like....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.
Men are like....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then
you're riding one!
Men are like....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like....Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion!!
Men are like....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up
your legs
Men are like....Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and the
ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small!
Men are like....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or in the toilet!!
Men are like....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while!
Men are like....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the
table.
Men are like....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.
Men are like....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough!
Men are like....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of
them!

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that
crashed. They`re up in heaven, and God`s sitting on the great white
throne. God addressed Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replied, "Well, I believe that we need to save the world from CFCs and that
if any more freon is
used,the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we`ll all die." God
thinks for a second and said "Okay, I can live with that. Come and
sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think
people should be able to make their own choices "
God thinks for a second and says
"Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you`re in my chair."

In prison, you spend a majority of time in an 8x10 cell. At
work you spend most of your time in an 8x10 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a
break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you
get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get
fired for watching TV and playing games.

At work you must carry a security card to unlock and open
all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks
all the doors for you.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they let your family and friends to come and visit.
At work you're not even supposed to speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

At prison there are sadistic wardens. At work you have managers.

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like http://www.home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for
day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

LOL = Laughing Out Loud
ROFL = Rolling On the Floor, Laughing
IMO = In My Opinion
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion

And, for good measure:

YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary
AFAIK = As Far As I Know
PITA = Pain In the Arse

and, my current fave:
ROTFLSHMSH = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard My Stomach Hurts

"When I eat jell-o I feel better; don't ask me to reduce it to a science" -
Ally McBeal

OK...for YOU I'll give up my source of humor. But you know...this
means I lose all my *original* material!<g

Go here...click humor. Great stuff!

http://4guysfromrolla.com/index.shtml

Oh, damn, what's the original on this? I can't even remember enough of a
line to do a web search...


Oh yeah...that THIS, Mr. Braden!!!<g

"The Mathematics Of Relationships"

They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were
continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They
both wanted to get skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they
became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function.
They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were
horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his
perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections.
"Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local
maximum. They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught her the chain
rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic
motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last
they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit.

After that they slept like logs. He meanwhile had realized that she
was irrational, not to mention square. It seemed as though she was
from another dimension. Things just weren't adding up.

They diverged. That was a real plus because he needed to get her out
of his domain. She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship
that is somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating
because he did a cosine on a loan for his son, Ray.

what do you call an eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

why do blondes have "tgif" written on their shoes?
toes go in first.

3 blondes were driving to disneyland. after being in the car for 4
hours they finally saw a sign that said "disneyland left" so they turned
around and went home.

what do smart blondes and ufo's have in common?

you always hear about them but you never see them.

what did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
oh look...doughnut seeds.

why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
because it said concentrate.

why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
they think their picture is being taken.
what do you call an eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

why do blondes have "tgif" written on their shoes?
toes go in first.

3 blondes were driving to disneyland. after being in the car for 4
hours they finally saw a sign that said "disneyland left" so they turned
around and went home.

what do smart blondes and ufo's have in common?

you always hear about them but you never see them.

what did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
oh look...doughnut seeds.

why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
because it said concentrate.

why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
they think their picture is being taken.

Q. What do you call a nerd in 15 years time?
A. "Boss"

A little something for your next cruise!<g

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over
and
help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to
start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says
"From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's friend
figures
that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She
lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle
spread
all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies
the
box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm
not
going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the
picture of that tiger." "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup
of
coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

GIRLFRIEND 1.0
----------
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is
spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him
that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched
at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5,
and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing
the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired
Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

1) A "Don't remind me again" button
2) Minimize button
3) An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed
with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache
and other system resources.
4) An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more
useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions
of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.

You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't
work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.
If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug,
try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.
Also, beware of similar shareware applications
that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet
provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the
viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

I'd have to collect them from various emails, as the Clipfile I copy them to
is no longer complete (I delete each one as I use it so I don't
inadvertently reuse anything). For now, how about this?

DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES-UNEDITED!)
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to
work her up.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
* Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Okay, here's another (not bumper stickers, but perhaps you'll enjoy it
anyway):

Managed Care Q & A

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who
discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot
if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the
physical finger poke with high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and
referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These
doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of
the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan
and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to
talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck
with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I
do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My
insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already
paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over
to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great
offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or
frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary
care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and
then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Selected Corporate Buzzwords for 2000

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing
why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and
who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot
of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to
reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass
with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their
idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to
the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that
ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no
regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because the magnetic strip is
worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just
to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three
serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other
printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies
from one's workplace.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically
proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask
Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to
absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the
boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software.
"Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in
your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are
suspected of planning to leave a company or department
soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job
people take in order to pay off their debts, one that
they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the
crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the
voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer
firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled
Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask
the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required
to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands.
For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer
involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the
Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Boldly Going Nowhere

CAUTION - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't be sexist - broads hate that.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge
for Eating His Animal Friends

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired
from a car window.

How many roads must a man travel down
before he admits he is lost?

If you lived in your car,
you'd be home by now.

1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's
no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your
guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and
are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a
computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to
ferret out all those users who don't have eMail or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags
it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and
wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director
because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with
no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good
mystery.

11. When you have a tech on the phone (or online) walking you through
changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO
anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll
be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're
grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat
your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this
computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail
clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes
button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing
it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing
a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
Master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesn't know jack about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a
high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor
capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on
weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you
when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip
out.

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the
office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to
playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the
office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

31. Make sure you ask lots of vague, generic questions. Never write down an
error message since we love to spend hours cruising the internet/technical
guides looking for a similar problem.

32. We love to answer home PC questions, especially when you don't know what
make or model of computer you have or even what OS you are running. After
all, why not ask us for free advice instead of paying someone else the
standard $50 - $80 an hour rate for support. (P.S. All your doctor, lawyer
and mechanic friends love this too.)

Bill Gates and a few of his leading Win95 programmers are on an
outing in the Irish country side. As a large flock of sheep crosses
the road, they have to wait some time and get out of their Jeep to
talk with the shepherd.
Finally, Bill Gates proposes a bet to the shepherd:
If he, Bill Gates would guess the shepherder's profession, they
would get a sheep. If the shepherder would guess their profession,
he'd get the jeep.
The shepherder accepts, so Bill says 'You're a shepherd'. - 'Yes,
that's right.' The programmers go off immediately, catch an animal,
barbeque it and eat it.
The shepherd says 'Then you must be Win95 programmers.' Bill
replies 'Yes, that's right, but how did you know?' 'Well, out of a
flock of more than 300 sheep, only Win95 programmers would pick
the dog.'

A thought for the new year:

Success is . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

More Tech Support in Hell Stories:

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and
now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages
did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out.
That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit. So
then I got a
stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the
butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used
the
pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk
that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your
A:drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" (At this point, I put the
call
on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.)

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A:drive to get your crappy disk
out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out
when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
eject
button?"

Silence.

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes?"

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
going to sue you for breaking my computer"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly,
instead proceeding to pour butter into the A:drive and physically rip
the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
Have a nice day."

------------------------------------

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my

annoyance level, I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a
Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
was
calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system
error
and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that
the computer was going to blow up.

------------------------------------

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the
batteries
in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of
the
manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $3,000 for this damn
thing,
and I'm not going to read the book."

------------------------------------

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting
the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

------------------------------------

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says 'IBM Restore and Recovery Disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer "No..."

------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see
the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

------------------------------------

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
from there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

------------------------------------

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or
file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and
type
'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'
again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't
help
but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting
the
Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command
or
file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
'M'
key...does that matter?

------------------------------------

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They
give
the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on your desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this

point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the

rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however,
stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "No. I wrote it on my desktop. I've done something dumb,
right?"

IF DR SEUSS WROTE TECHNICAL MANUALS FOR COMPUTERS:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy
disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situations hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk
and the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

For those of you who don't live in California, you can now experience what
it's like. ;-)
http://j-walk.com/ss/shake.htm

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

This was in the current (December) issue of OfficeSystems99:

Y10K: The Billennium Bug
by Edwin Powell

REDMOND, Wash, March 17, 9999--Archaeologists excavating the site of the
early headquarters of Microsoft Corp. have unearthed more tantalizing bits
of missing source code that could help programmers head off what may be one
of the greatest technological disasters of our time in the months remaining
before the year 10000.

Historians interpreting the data found at the Redmond site, which the
software giant abandoned and detonated in the early 8000s, after it acquired
the moon for its present headquarters, have determined that the Y10K bug has
its roots in the 20th and 21st centuries, and thus is actually a case of
history repeating itself.

Software engineers in the mid-20th century mistakenly assumed the systems
they designed with two-digit year fields would be updated or replaced before
the year 2000. But many were not repaired until the closing years, or even
months, of the 1990s. Likewise, many of today's computer systems have been
in continuous operation and evolution since the four-digit revolution of the
early 21st century.

Early software engineers have been universally denounced for their
shortsightedness in expanding the year field to only four digits. According
to popular theory, programmers 8,000 years ago were aware of the problem but
chose to ignore it because they knew their bones would have long since
turned to dust when the programming error again reared its ugly head.

Popularly dubbed "Y10K" or the "Billennium Bug," this programming defect
threatens to bring civilization as we know it to a screeching halt when the
clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 and the year outgrows the four-digit space
it has occupied for some 8,000 years. Many experts fear that when the
computerized calendars roll back to "0000" at the end of the year, the
majority of computers, including those running on the Windows 9800 operating
system, implanted in the brains of more than 90 percent of the installed
base of human beings, will misinterpret the date as the beginning of time.

A small, yet vocal minority insists that "0000" doesn't really represent the
beginning of time. Since the modern calendar began with the year 0001, and
the year 0000 did not actually exist, the Y10K problem doesn't actually
exist, either.

BILL 9000, Microsoft's supercomputer CEO, has offered a temporary solution
to the problem by declaring the present year to be 8019, based on the
controversial theory that modern history actually began in 1980, when MS-DOS
1.0 was introduced. The proposed calendar revision would also buy the
software giant almost two additional millennia in which to ship the
perennially delayed Windows 10000 on time.

While most cranial computer (CC) users have pinned their hopes on a timely
release of Windows 10000 to update their wetware, BILL 9000 is downplaying
the importance of the Y10K fix. "The reason for creating a new version of
the operating system is to add the new features that consumers want, not to
fix bugs from previous versions, BILL said.

Although many technological pundits are predicting gloom, doom, and the end
of humanity as we know it, experts in the field of human behavior suggest
the outcome might not be so dire; however, they acknowledge it might take
some time for people to adapt to independent thought again after so many
centuries of relying on CCs.

Elsewhere in the computing world, the "Open Mind" movement continues to gain
momentum as CC users who have installed the latest build of the Linux
operating system are now uploading their brains to the Internet so that
others can take advantage of the improvements they have made. Meanwhile,
users of Apple Computer's popular eyeMac, who sport the latest fruitfully
trendy colors on their irises, are blissfully unconcerned about Y10K, since
their operating system has employed a five-digit field since its
introduction in the early 8400s.

In other news, Microsoft suffered yet another setback in its latest court
battle with the Department of Justice. The computer giant is accused of
denying rival wetware makers access to the right hemisphere of the brain by
"welding" its Internet browser in the right hemisphere to its operating
system in the left hemisphere. Expert witnesses for the Justice Department
have claimed that although it's a tedious and time-consuming procedure, the
two hemispheres can be separated, thus debunking Microsoft's contention that
the right hemisphere is merely a feature of the left hemisphere. According
to Justice officials, if that were the case, nobody would be in their right
mind.

T-SHIRTS SAYINGS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

Next mood swing... 6 minutes.

I hate everybody and you're next

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is...?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're ok now

All stressed out and no one to choke.

An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by rearranging
the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally
clever. (although I didn't take time to verify them...but I KNOW some
of you will!<g )

Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly
at Scrabble. On the other hand, this may be scarier than Nostradamus

Word When you rearrange the letters
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dormitory Dirty Room
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
Astronomer Moon Starer
Princess Diana End Is A Car Spin

NOW HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART

Year Two Thousand A Year To Shut Down

The following definitions are from the Washington Post Style
Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea of this one is
simply to redefine words from the dictionary - no added or changed
letters.

Abdicate - v.
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade - v.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly - adj.
Impotent.

Flabbergasted - adj.
Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent - adj.
Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in
your nightie.

Lymph - v.
To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle-n.
An olive oil flavored mouthwash.

Bustard - n.
A very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee - n.,
A person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence - n.
The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.

Balderdash - n.
A rapidly receding hairline.

Semantics - n.
Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including
such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together
just before vespers.

Rectitude - n.
The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately
before he examines you.

Marionettes - n.
Residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Oyster - n.
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

And some new coinages/portmanteau words (two meanings folded into one):

Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . .

Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who
doesn't get it.

Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.

Glibido:
All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.

Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

Og det var denne siden. This was it !